To the person who stole my yoga mat:

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of one very gnarly, used, and sweated-upon yoga mat. Do you understand that that thing has been with me to HOT YOGA, where they turn the temperature up to 90 degrees, so we can all detox as we downward-dog? Do you realize that thing has seen the bottoms of my crusty feet and the insides of my clammy palms? In my senseless devotion to attempting every pose, even the upside-down ones, I’ve probably even drooled on it. Do you know that I’ve never cleaned it even ONCE since I started using it? I meant to, I really did. But I didn’t. Yeah, baby, it’s just LOVELY.

But, you stole more than just my yoga mat. Yes, you stole the case that the yoga mat came in, which I must admit, was pretty nice. But on top of that, you stole my entire morning. It’s not easy for me to haul myself out of a warm bed at 5:30am. I have to hit the snooze button 3 times, starting at 5:10am, in order to muster up the motivation. You stole my composed sanity, as I rummaged around the car, and then the house, and then the car again, and then the house again, looking frantically for this thing. After all, the one thing you really need to practice yoga is a yoga mat. Sure, maybe I could have rented a mat at the studio, but I wouldn’t do that for the same reasons I would not steal someone else’s sweat-and-drool-drenched yoga mat! Am I repeating myself here? Good.

You stole the sense of accomplishment I feel when I come out of a hot yoga session, satisfied with the knowledge that I made time for myself and did my body good today. You stole my early morning feeling of peace, which I jettisoned when I woke my poor husband to accuse HIM of moving my yoga mat, before I realized it had been pilfered. You stole my ability to keep my commitment to my health and wellness today. I really hope that you…that you…that you use my yoga mat and then smell really, really, really bad! (Yes, that is the worst thing I can think of to say.)

Okay, rant is over. Now I will find some reasons to be grateful for this theft. Let’s see: because you stole my yoga mat, I was unable to go to yoga this morning. But I WAS able to: pack my daughter’s lunch, leave early for work, and get a FANTASTIC parking spot right in front of the entrance. And because I got here at 7:15, I can eat breakfast, AND blog, AND leave early today, so I can shop for a new yoga mat. Wow, now I feel great! Thank you for stealing my yoga mat!

PS – I have some well-worn and well-used yoga clothes that you can take too? I’ll leave them in the backseat for you.

PPS – Maybe I can buy this guy’s yoga mat, as he’s used it only once.